Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there a Nobel prize for being extremely mediocre because I would like to nominate myself...

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   That's the last time I spend the week listening to INXS seeking relationship advice....totally just got left hanging.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, FREAK!...My dog is getting married

   The Native Americans used every part of the iPhone,,, even the stocks app and game center.

   On Dancing With the Tsars last night, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

   I'm not gay but $20 is $20.

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   "KiSS HER"~~~Me watching women's boxing.....

   Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...

   an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

   I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.

   My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   Parents these days are worried about just 2 things:. 1.- What Sons download their 2.- What upload their Daughters.

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.