Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If olive oil comes from crushing olives, does baby oil come from Planed Parenthood?

   A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".

   How sad Amy Schumer broke up with Kermit the frog.

   looks like Kermit the frog won't be "bringing home the bacon" anymore...

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.

   I posed nude for an artist. He wore sunglasses and left the lights off.

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.