Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

   If smoking weed destroys your short term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   Waze "Beep Beep" is the new Facebook "Poke"

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   And BTW Susan,,, When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last".... I feel like you don't know what misplace means.

   Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015

   I'm voting for Donald Trump just for the SNL jokes

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.

   I tried to help a friend get a job but his email is p@ssyeater203. @.....

   Trump For President! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

   I never heard of Lindsey Graham... Who is she?

   So if Bruce/Catline Jenner goes missing, will they put the picture on a carton of Half & Half?

   "Ummmmm...... " ~ The first cow ever milked

   "If only there were a free online encyclopedia to answer that for you" ~ Me, way more times a day that I would like.

   Walk into a flower shop and ask to see their selction of chlamydias. That never gets old.