Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling sad is better than not feeling at all. unless you into your feelings....

   I love seeing all these tolerant people bashing religion!

   The movie demolition man, is coming true.

   HER: ''You never listen to me!'' HIM: ''Of course they will!''

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called "Don't buy s*it you can't afford it!"

   gene pools are man made...nobody is worried about your threats. repent

   Why don't the Greeks make p 0rn? Because there is no money shot.

   So, after 40 years of marriage will g@y guys start referring to their spouses as "The Old Balls and Chain?"

   Now that the Confederate Flag has been removed that will stop all of the hate and murders in this country

   I'm on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.

   Fact: Any woman that says that a way to a man's heart is through his stomch is aweful at blow jobs.

   I've wanted to run away from home WAY more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

   I hate it when I have a bunch of company over and I don't have enough cholophorme for all of them and I have to use it on myself.

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   "Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts"-Shark Week lesson of the day

   It takes Axl Rose approximately 12 minutes to sing 2 verses of "Head, Shoulders, na-na-na-na-na-na-Knees and Toes."

   The grass is green where you water it.

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   What's the prescription strength number for cupcakes?