Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.
←Rate | 07-08-2015 13:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.
←Rate | 07-08-2015 13:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos
←Rate | 07-08-2015 14:30 by MWC Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.
←Rate | 07-08-2015 15:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.
←Rate | 07-08-2015 15:59 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!
←Rate | 07-08-2015 16:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 02:40 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to take a time management course. How am I supposed to run drugs, steal jobs AND rape people? Help me Donald!
←Rate | 07-09-2015 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shock collars, but for co-workers
←Rate | 07-09-2015 13:40 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 14:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 14:01 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old MacDonald had a farm... and a redheaded goth son named Ronald, that did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:07 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.
←Rate | 07-09-2015 19:36 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
←Rate | 07-09-2015 19:43 by Jitney Comments (2)  




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