Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4897 of 6451

All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.
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07-08-2015 13:25
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"No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.
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07-08-2015 13:29
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BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos
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07-08-2015 14:30 by MWC
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Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.
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07-08-2015 15:16
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This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.
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07-08-2015 15:59
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Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!
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07-08-2015 16:03
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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

I need to take a time management course. How am I supposed to run drugs, steal jobs AND rape people? Help me Donald!
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07-09-2015 12:59
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Shock collars, but for co-workers
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07-09-2015 13:40 by Baddie
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Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.
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07-09-2015 13:46
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The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.
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07-09-2015 14:00
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.
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07-09-2015 14:01 by Baddie
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Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"
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07-09-2015 15:04
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You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do
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07-09-2015 15:04
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Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.
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07-09-2015 15:05
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Old MacDonald had a farm... and a redheaded goth son named Ronald, that did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.
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07-09-2015 15:06
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When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.
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07-09-2015 15:07
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I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.
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07-09-2015 15:09
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When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.
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07-09-2015 19:36 by Jitney
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Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
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07-09-2015 19:43 by Jitney
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