Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   Gay marriage is now legal. In related news Caitlyn Jenner has decided to marry herself under the surname Jenn Brucer

   i'm a Maths terro$$ist with close ties to Algebra,i have weapons of math instruction.

   n't it ironic that a woman wears makeup, mascara, a push up bra, spanx and high heels but wants a man who's honest!

   Why has Skittles taken over everyones Facebook profile pictures???

   So, how long before we can marry our cousins, brother, sister, pets or all of the above at the same time? Asking for a friend.

   Don't know who's happier, the gay community or the ABA

   It takes a 75% vote to be inducted to the Hall of Fame but only 9 people to decide for 500 million Americans ... Hmmmm

   I get ignored so much my name should be terms and conditions.

   [Marketing Meeting] "Let's say people get laid when they eat our chips." Nope, too direct... "What about "Lays" Potato chips?" Perfect!.

   The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

   Gay marriage absolutely has affected me. I sat on my couch tonight, looked around, and questioned the decor in my living room.....these colors are so last week.

   What is an acceptable age to give a kid a Facebook account as a birthday present?

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   I'm pretty sure Chris Christie isn't running for president. He may be walking briskly, but he's definitely not running for anything.

   Re: "there are only 380 million Americans" .....yes there are.... And we still RULE THE WORLD!!!

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   My Pinterest account was hacked godammit. As soon as I find out who's responsible, I'm knitting a voodoo doll. No one fcuks with SewEZ2love

   How much is SNL paying Donald Trump to run for President?

   There are soo many Rainbows on Facebook I can taste it- Skittles...