Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My hot neighbor put a fence around her pool so I bought a trampoline.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   The next “60’s” are closer than the last “60’s”.

   Having watched the entire season of a show before me doesn't make you better than me, it makes you more unemployed than me

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably

   In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.

   I don't need religion to raise my offspring, I have common sense.

   Donald Trump is running for president. Are we on Candid Camera?

   I enjoy having a full length mirror facing my bed so I can see all the sex I'm not having.

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!

   my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he's fired ! !

   Donald Trump go home you're drunk.

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it