Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK