Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why didn't Spider-Man's enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

   Med commercials, stop with the side effects crap. I like to be surprised.

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."

   Sometimes I spend whole office meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door...

   Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses

   I hate when I try to rob a bank through the drive-up window and my gun gets stuck in the vacuum canister.

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   When my wife looks at me she still thinks "I'd hit that", but she is thinking about my face, not my body.

   Barbies only upset because Ken came in another box

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!

   I think New York has finally been around long enough that we can just start to call it York now.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   If you're not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.

   But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.

   Almost went outside without my phone so now I know what it feels like to lose your kids at the mall.

   First rule of cuddle club, it better lead to sex or you are out of cuddle club.

   At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.