Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.

   Skinless chicken breasts are more mouthwatering and yummy than regular chicken breasts. Human breasts, however, are more mouthwatering and yummy with the skin on.

   Lindsey Graham announced he is running for president. Nice to have a Southern Belle in the race.

   Liking on Facebook is definitely an addiction for some

   The most realistic part of Avengers: Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the human race must be destroyed after spending a few hours on the Internet.

   Since casino commercials abruptly end with "gambling problem, call 1-800gambler"......why don't booze commercials end with "drinking problem, call 1-800guzzler" ?

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters? Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"... 😀😳😜

   I've been married for "discuss grocery list during sex" years.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   I was able to earn so much money for my Walk-A-Thon that I was able to take Uber instead.

   "Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   I'll try not to post any Bruce Jenner jokes, she has enough problems trying to find size 13 double wide pumps

   Ladies, the whole "Prince charming" thing doesn't exist. Settle for the guy who knows the difference between "You're" & "Your"

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One