Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing say's "Happy Mother's Day" like a uterus shaped pizza!

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...

   Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   If saying a bunch of stupid crap on the internet is what life's all about, then I'm living the dream.

   I'm so sad your vacation is over too. Now how am I going to get my "feet by the pool pics" fix in?

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..

   I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.

   What's it like to be married? Ever just wish that oncoming trailor truck would just cross that yellow line just a little when she's driving alone and not paying attention?

   A friend who just returned from a visit to the recently looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left in the entire store was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.