Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK ladies; for the last time, stop the birthday month crap. You get one day, not a whole month you greedy b****es.

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   why don't dentist offer 50 percent discounts to meth heads just to gum up business

   why do elephants have four feet? Because six and a half inches just ain't long enough

   Learn how to spell.

   I just walked into a spider web and now I know all of Katy Perry's dance moves.

   My go-to office prank is to go onto someone's unattended Facbook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, Android or iPhone"

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   I never use my phone as a phone. Not because I don't like talking, I just never forgave them for all the times they kicked me off the internet.

   Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that low prices attract many customers.

   "After the Thrill is Gone" is my favorite song about married sex.

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.

   I'm no mathlete but I can tell you that a 6 year old running at 8 mph after an ice cream truck driving 10 mph files 7.4ft when you trip him.

   Vape pens are the new Crocs

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   What do Moslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the camel under the chin

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   If you love God you are deeply religious, If you love Islam, you are a radical.

   "You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.