Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever low batter indicator. You aren't the bos

   10 year old son: What was it like? ME: What was what like? SON: Being alive in the 1900's? ME: Go to your room.

   n't it ironic how life starts sucking at the exact same time that you wake up every day?

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   Whatever low battery indicator. You aren't the bos

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done. Ok I will, he's done no good. . .

   I studied Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in "Mad Black Momma in Baltimore," I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger.

   I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine.

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   What?! "Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger."? I don't believe they have an elephant's stomach.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.

   I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.

   If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.

   If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.

   france, you couldn't b more a dįčk. Banning little girls from school for dressing modest. There is a special place in hêl1 for you

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."