Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   Don't let anyone use Earth Day as an excuse to peer pressure you into going outside. Your couch and your bed are both located on Earth too.

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

   Couldn't stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.

   Counselor: 'Don't you think you've got a drinking problem?' Me: ¡No way, Jose Cuervo!

   The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

   I just had a bite of Wookie candy... It tasted pretty good but it was kinda Chewy. I soooo stole that joke from 1983.

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   I bet more people call the gambling addicts helpline if they made every 10th caller a winner! ♠♥♣♦😃😳

   I'll trust a fart after a heavy night of drinking before I'll trust a politician.