Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.

   If you listen to a Justin Bieber song backwards you'll hear messages from the devil. Even worse if you play it forward you'll hear Justin Bieber.

   Don't you hate it when you clean your house for the Police and they don't show up???

   If your cat has a Facebook page, we can't be friends.

   The average toddler laughs over 200 times a day. The average adult laughs about 17. At age 42 peekaboo and I got your nose is just not as funny anymore.

   I wish I had Shazam for faces...

   Oh Good, the Aaron Hernendez jokes from two years ago are back.

   Since ISIS/ISIL is now setting up camps within 5 miles of the U.S. border, are they still a "JV squad?"

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   Apparently, I've been playing "Hide & Seek" at Ikea this whole time. That'd be me looking for the exit and the exit hiding from me.

   Aaron Hernandez went from getting 40 million as a tight end, to needing two packs of smokes for a tight end.

   Can we just skip the Aaron Hernandez wide-receiver-tight-end jokes? They are so old and so lame.

   My friend has to pay for sex ... he is buy-sexual.

   You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

   Once you go black, the white man don't want you back !

   Sorry I yelled, "Finish Him" at your wedding.

   Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.

   If you think husbands aren't good listeners, whisper "Come here, I'm naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.