Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.

   I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .

   Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...

   I parked next to a Prius today.... well, on top of one, but same thing.

   Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.

   Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.

   Former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez found guilty of 1st degree murder. Where he's going, I wonder if he'll stick with tight end or switch to receiver?

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.

   PETA will fight a thousands battles, but apparently the Flintstones taking a dump in a pelicans mouth is not one of them.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario, he spend hours a day updating Wikipedia.

   A security staffer at Coachella put Justin Bieber in a chokehold. Fortunately, he's used to being overpowered by men from behind.

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible

   My five-year-old: “I don’t want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!” No two-week notice or anything. She’d better not expect a reference.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   Breaking news Roger Goodell has just given Aaron Hernandez a 2 game suspension.

   Aaron Hernandez, goes into jail a tight end, comes out a wide receiver

   If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes?