Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and, liking - you liked your own status by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Sleeping much better now that the Burger King mascot is off the air.

   If I am suffering and hurting and you tell me "its all god's plan" I will kick your ass and tell you it's also god's plan.

   Taco Bell is going to start delivering. Thank you for making everyone a little more lazy.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

   If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend

   whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.

   I don't have any room in my heart for you, but I do have space for you in my trunk.

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   putting someones genitals in your mouth is OK, but eating a Dorito off the floor after 2 seconds is gross

   I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.

   Selfie or not here I come