Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you go black your credit goes bad.

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

   Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.

   I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

   NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags and not tell you what you did. "You know what you did"

   My wife can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on but she remembers the picture of some girl I commented on 5 years ago.

   and, liking - you liked your own statuse by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   I wonder if they make a Gas-X for brain farts.