Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.

   being an atheist must be hard. whenever someone is sad you can never tell them ‘God has a plan’ you have to come up with a logical reason

   [a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

   Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I'm concerned.

   I'm living proof that misery actually hates company.

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   if we couldn't laugh we would al go insane...

   I've exercised and on a strict diet and I lost 70lbs (true story) but I just found out all I had to do was throw up after I eat. why doesn't everyone do this!

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   And then Jesus said, “when I come back in three days, I better not see any eggs. I don’t care what you do – hide’em, paint’em, just get rid of them.”

   Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.

   The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   I do hateful things for which people love me, and I do lovable things for which they hate me. I'm admired for my detestability.

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.

   When my atheist friend pisses me off, I tell him to Go to Heaven!!