Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News: The State of Indiana just made "smear the queer" the official playground game.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial.

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   You know the difference between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Martha Stewart is a convicted felon.

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   "Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   The lady seated next to me on the plane started to freak when she realised I was Pakistani, I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets