Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!

   3rd straight week without drinking alcohol. People separated from your loved ones now I totally understand you struggle and pain.

   "I have never regretted my silence. As for my speech, I have regretted it over and over again."- Umar Ibn Al-Khattab

   Did you know that "vegan" is short for "joyless judgmental twat"?

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Every time my wife gets in the shower she has to worry about me reenacting the scene from Psycho but with my wiener and a lot of begging.

   Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles

   Vegitarian is a native American name for Bad hunter. . .

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   Um, Yes, despite your 5 divorces by 35, all the men you date are pigs.

   Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward's anger.

   It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.

   "I'm just a boy .. standing in front of a girl ... asking her to deep throat him" - best line from Nobbing Hill

   there anything on this menu with extra gluten?

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kiddin. Be afraid, be very afraid.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." "Vegan" is an old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   Ladies are forever saying "all men are dogs", but what they fail to realize is that dogs are loyal as fu¢k if you treat them right.