Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.

   Would someone explain to me why I never see straight women act the same way as gay men? Come on queers, if you want to be a women, act like one, not like a fruitcake.

   How come I never see women act the way men do when they are acting like women?

   I hate it when I accidentally listen to Pitbul then I have to press down the gushing wound of the person I just stabbed.

   Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...

   I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

   I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   Here it is 2015 for crying out loud, and we still don't know who let the dogs out, the way to San Jose. who stopped the rain, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, what's in your wallet, or Victoria's secret.

   it REALLY stereotyping when we all know it true?

   I am really disappointed that Trader Joe's 2 buck Chuck is now $3.29 WTF Chuck!!

   Oh, it'll do more harm than good? That's my specialty.

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   The other day I saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning" use rear entrance and I thought to myself that's great advice...

   “Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

   I wish the government would go through my e-mails, because I’m never going to.

   My kid will eat anything you put in front of him as long as its chicken nuggets.

   Nice try "Private Caller", but I don't answer if I know you either.

   About time to head out to the back yard and start insulting my lawn so that it gets depressed enough to start cutting itself before June.

   Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?