Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am passive aggressive, mostly to myself, but I think I can wait it out and it will get better.

   BREAKING NEWS: Hackers find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails. Discover they are nude selfies and commit mass suicide.

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!

   No Mr. Fifty-Something Rider, clean saddle soaped leathers and a $20,000 Harley don't make you a "Biker" any more than a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes makes me a "Ballerina".

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of the Transformers.

   BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   I don't know about you guys, but I think last nights season premier of Ferguson was pretty good.