Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out... Well, at least it tasted like a taco salad.

   Hillary has been sending me sexual explicit emails for years. . .

   I did not have communications with that phone

   They said they manage their money well, the fact that your tax return is gone after 2 1/2 weeks determined that was a lie

   I don't care how Hillary sends her emails as long as she doesn't start sexting.

   We Want Top Gear Back Now

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.

   My dog drinks from the toilet. You might say he has a potty mouth.

   Someone put a Taylor Swift tape in my Teddy Ruxpin and now he's writing a song about Fozzie

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners

   There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.

   I looked at the guy standing next to me in the check out line and said, "At what point in your life did you decide it was okay to wear light pink socks?" He answered back, "I do one load of laundry a week, how about you?