Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our team has just recovered the black box & it would seem that Harrison Ford's earring did indeed confuse the compass & other controls.

   Harrison Ford was lucky. Ten yards left and he's out of bounds. That's a one shot penalty, and he'd had to retake his emergency landing.

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   "As his plane was about to crash, the golfers on the course were heard yelling "FORD !!!!!!! "

   My deepest, darkest secret is that I put my pants on two legs at a time. I feel so alone.

   I just saw a Koi Fish that had a white guy tattooed on it

   Love is so sweet makes my heart beat ...My heart skip a beat

   Its Saturday evening; time to browse through facebook and be judgmental on people's posts, of which most of them are under the influence.

   Just got a cheerio stuck between my toes while walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   Hopefully Harrison Ford replaced his divot.

   "You'll see!! THEY'LL ALL SEE!!!!" - an optometrist throwing glasses into the screaming crowd from a parade float

   "He's bleeding out!" The physician yells, "Mr. Kool aid man we need to do a transfusion, what's your blood type?" He replies weakly "O-yeah"

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.

   As soon as I get finished with this dozen donuts and gallon of chocolate milk, I am going to focus on losing the 20lbs I added this winter

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s negative.

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s positive.

   This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/