Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form

   There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   I went to the dentist today and couldn't keep my big mouth shut.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility...

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

   It's so cold out I've just turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kidding