Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.

   a folder named SPAM... ironically none of the mails reference meat but most of them talk about wieners!

   And that's how Tax returns were spent in 2015 - aka the mayweather vs pacquiao tax return .

   It's so cold out I just yelled "MUSH" to start my car!

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   Im going to find that groundhog and kill him. ...

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   The F.C.C. has delayed the decision on the Time-Warner + Comcast merger. .....So, How do you think those folks like being put on HOLD ???

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   This Fall...Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, North Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian & Kylie Jenner star in "The Kar-Crashians" only on E!

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   NASCAR went with Toyota as a pace car...wanted them to see how it felt to be out front!

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~