Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   According to Obamacare, they now have to allow you at least 30 minutes of sleep before Brooklyn.

   Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?

   In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   Generic Raisin Bran makers should really consider changing its name to just Bran.

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   She left the mental institution to be with me...I guess you can say she's crazy about me!

   I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   A couple got married at a Mental Institution recently ..kind of crazy?

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.