Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Why can't more people be just like you?" I wisper into the bun of giant meatball sub.

   I'm sorry I karate chopped your grandma...but her stroke face was all like, "Come at me, bro".

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   I just want to be rich enough to legally hunt people.

   If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   The sooner you realize a min wage job is a starting point and not a career, the better off you (and America) will be!

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   Guys with poodles, explain yourselves.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?

   Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   i knew The Kardashians.we going to screw us up. look what it did too Bruce!!! freaking 0.j.