Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...

   You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.

   The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"

   I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

   Relationship status: runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   (•)(•)(•) Total Recall

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.

   Here is a hint to Bruce Jenner: You were born a man. You will die a man. That is simple biological fact, and has nothing to do with your 'feelings' or whatever you think is 'hidden' inside of you.

   Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...

   Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.

   Ben Franklin invented the wood stove, bifocals, lightning rods, the odometer, was the first to map the gulf stream, the U.S. postal system, and electricity. All I'm saying: If Ben Franklin were alive today, Microsoft, Google, and Apple would be generics..

   on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF

   Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"

   I love animals. Especially with ketchup.

   Dudes who watch The Bachelor, what does mensturation feel like?

   Yelp reviews, but for co-workers