Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.

   You know how much delusion we live in this world when you see Binyamin Netanyahu shoulder to shoulder with world leaders in a march for "freedom and tolerance"

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.

   That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Play Trivia Crack they said. It'll be fun they said... phukerz.

   Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be "Beaten to death with a selfie stick"

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!