Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   McDonalds has new bags to hide the fact you are eating Mcdonalds? Your fat a$$ already gave it away.

   Just looking at the snow angels I made. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow!

   Nike is starting to bug me. I've seen the video's of how hard the kids in the sweat shop work. So why does it take ten days to get my shirts in the mail.

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead

   1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?

   The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

   It's so cold out the guy at 7-11 has a towel on his head.

   A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

   Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   I just want to say how much I love my wife's inner beauty, core values, and soul. JK, she's smoking hot and loves to fcuk!!

   I got a lap dance from a midget stripper. I couldn't refuse the deal. It was half off.