Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dream job is to drive Karma's bus.

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   ⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   Dear Chocolate Covered Blueberries, Seriously where have you been all my life? I can see why your big sister Chocolate Covered Cherries has kept you secret all these years. Wow.

   How come the word Flatulance is not Fartulance?

   Burger King!.... because every place else is closed.

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!

   2015 Come on everybody let's party like a Cleveland Browns back up quarterback!!!

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   "I can't wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver

   Sometimes I get mad watching my parents spend my inheritance money.

   You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you're all the same.

   You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams

   WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

   " You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!