Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Poor North Korea, now they have to call Comcast to get their internet fixed.

   my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols

   My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.

   Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.

   There will be no more need to worry about being on Santa's naughty list........Obama shut down the coal industry

   Someday scientists are going to discover the center of the universe and a lot of people will be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   Herro? Time Warner????

   You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.

   Today is the official day for guys to start Christmas shopping!!!!

   No thanks I am not drinking alcohol for now. I am saving myself for Christmas eve.

   This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors.