Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Michael Brown lived a thug life and died a thug death. Let it go.

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small" ~ Mrs Grinch.

   IS has executed 100 foreigners trying to quit. Terrorists check in, but they don't check out.

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   Today marks the two year anniversary of the end of the world... and I am still waiting. . .

   I was born inteligent but facebook ruined me..

   My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun

   To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out