Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody needs a playground...

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.