Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell and seeing how much worse it can getting.

   We are exactly one year away from the release of Star Wars VII. #isthatightsaberinyourpocket

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

   Why? I'm telling you why !! If you little brats will shut up for 2 secs I'll tell you why you better not pout or cry

   Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.

   [job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.