Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   The suicide vest bombing instructor at the Al Qaeda School of Martyrdom advised his students too "pay close attention because I'm only going to show you this once".

   And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   somedays I could do without the life lesson!

   The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   You're 42, divorced with 3 kids and you smoke? Good luck with that...

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   If your car has reindeer antlers and a red nose then I should be allowed to shoot you