Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.

   Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.

   Hang on, let me change from my home Crocks to my going out Crocks. Then we can go.

   women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(

   It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   They execute an American or an ally, we go after their sponsors, family, friends, lovers and clerics. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans and her allies.


   16.The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   Hey everybody I'm unique! Just like everybody else on facebook! But please give me validation anyways.

   Some dude is going to be eaten alive by an Anaconda tonite....BIG DEAL...I was eaten alive by a snake years ago and my lawyer got me out. Sucked dry, but free.

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...

   he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?