Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.

   Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.

   If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

   I don't know why they need a whole month, they get the busiest Friday of the year

   Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.

   Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   Taylor Swifts "Shake it Off" is about what her lovers did when they realized she was bad in bed.