Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I remember I'm not American and have to work tomorrow.

   John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.

   Black Friday: Because it's supposed to look like a riot

   What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift

   Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.

   We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   Single girls, who are you wearing matching panties and bra for? Singles guys, who are you wearing clean underwear for?

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   There's a Black Friday sale at my house, pants are 100% off

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   Are you allowed in Starbucks if your computer is not a Mac? - asking for a white girl

   I was gonna stop flashing, but think I may stick it out, for a bit longer

   BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

   Black Friday shopping is unnecessary when you already did your shopping on looters Tuesday.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.

   Orange is the new Black, so....Have a great Orange Friday