Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hospice," contrary to popular belief,,, was not one of the Spice Girls.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   I never thought Charles Manson would be having a better week than Bill Cosby.

   "Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"

   In response to recent rape allegations, TV Land has pulled all episodes of the Cosby Show off the air. My life is ruined.

   It's so cold in Canada the bank tellers wear ski masks!

   Do Canadians call the middle of Canada the midnorth??

   FYI: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats, if you push people off them and sit real fast.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   Most of the Ferguson folks these days seem to be white journalists desperately hoping for violence.

   I guess you could say it's my own fault for ignoring the words "directed by Tyler Perry"

   Fat chicks and mopeds. Both fun to ride until your friends find out.

   life's hard, get a helmet!

   I think I am beginning to understand Americans. I now know they love guns, blowjobs, masturbation, naps, not wearing pants, pizza, beer and a good murder.

   Feeding my daughter cold pizza. She will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   Am I the only one hoping that grand jury decision in Ferguson Missouri lines up with my black Friday shopping plans?

   Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old and I’m still single. I’ll never hear the end of it from my mother at thanks giving.