Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home

   I was washing my gum and my wife almost put cloths in with my gum !!!!!!! she almost ruined a whole pack !!!!! .........Gonna let it slide cause I love her

   Happy International Men's Day!!!

   Jesus save. Passes to Moses. Off Mohammed. He shoots! He SCORES!

   My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

   People who say stuff like "everyday is a new day" are also the same fools who say sh*t like "apples are fruits" and "women are humans"

   Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies

   Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

   Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people.

   I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, so I ate some caterpillars.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   PRO TIP: Take the wrapper off the fortune cookie before you eat it.

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...