Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   Some of my best memories are naps.

   My teenage daughter says I'm not cool, what does she know. *takes out phone from fanny pack to write this status update*