Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life

   If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.