Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   Being human is expensive and exhausting.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   Beautiful is the woman who sees you as a king not a ticket to a free meal.

   A shot of vodka a day keeps the sad away!

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   Now THAT's change I can believe in......

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   Obama was so upset this morning from last night's election results, that he's only playing 9 holes of golf instead of 18!!!

   Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   The best thing about falling over when you're home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.