Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   Anxiety is your brain reminding you that you are a wussy.

   I don't think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.

   Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.

   I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   British Metallica: Master Of Crumpets.

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

   There goes Honey Boo Boo. America's collective IQ just rose by .00124%.