Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?

   what do michael jackson and cavier have in common? They both come on little crackers.

   I'm black, but not go Walmartin' in my robe and slippers black.

   When I squeeze a tube of 'whitening toothpaste' and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?

   Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   My Wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo..............I had to put my foot down

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   Ladies walk the dog don't let the dog walk you

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   I got this new device to help me stop smoking. It's a lighter that won't f*ckin work

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.

   What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"