Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   Whenever I go to a stripclub I piont at the most slutttiest girl and say, "Hey I know you.... I use to go to church with you!"

   I'm an accident looking for a place to happen!

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   If you watch a V iagra commercial on mute it looks like a really risky drug that helps you cuddle better.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired