Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   I'd have more money if I didn't buy that $20 shirt back in 2009

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   I feel MUCH better today. I hate it when I get 24-hour Ebola!

   Whenever I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

   One of my favorite sounds on earth is listening to my child sing while he gets ready for school. Something about anyone being that happy this early in the morning just moves me... not in the literal sense but it's touching...

   Was that "wadup yo" directed at me? Euah. Okay, well, I think that was a yes... No brah, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak hood. Now pull up your pants! How are idiots like this in college? Friggen STUPID!

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.